Vince Kelvin, the Joke is on you!

While going through my backlog of emails, I came across a hilarious video filmed in Los Angeles, home to the "Casanova Crew", which describes itself as the "largest active pick up artist community in North America". There was a time when they made more modest claims, and I'm sure by the rate the ego of their administrator J The Ripper is growing, he will soon claim to run the biggest forum in the universe.

The video is a collage of impressions from a talk given by "Vince Kelvin". Here's the link to those nine minutes of unintentional humor, but maybe you want to skip ahead and read my commentary first.

Metropolis Season 8, Ep. 2 - Pick Up Artists from Joshua Kun on Vimeo.

The link to the video was sent by James (thanks!). He commented:

I think this video might be better than ASS because its actually real with Vince Kelvin.

Guys are so easily impressed by nothing.. enjoy

What's the first impression you get of Vince Kelvin, if I may ask? I don't even want to comment, because I'd probably only come up with insults. Not only does the emperor not wear any clothes, his Jester does neither. Frankly, if you are 50 or older, you shouldn't pretend to be half your age. I'm sure he knows what it feels like to approach what looks like a 20 year old in a club from a distance, only walk closer and realize that she's probably twice that old. It's not a pleasant feeling, not unlike what is in a different field described as "uncanny valley". Something's just not right.

The speech is the typical song and dance in the community, hackneyed phrases, team-building exercises, and carefully avoiding the question why some guys don't get laid. However, if anybody in this group looks as if he can't get laid, it's unfortunately the speaker. But physical contact maybe prevents people from asking unnecessary questions.

Overall, the video is well-shot. In this scene, for instance, he looks as if he is impersonating Neill Stauss. I remember pictures of him in which he wears a rather similar outfit and even uses the same submissive gestures and posture. Funnily enough, it should be the buff guy telling Vince Kelvin how to score, not the other way round:

Now imagine your dad coming home looking like this:

The age gap is just too large. It's more like a father-soon constellation, but where in Vince Kelvin's speech or looks do you notice any signs of maturity?

Nowhere.

The next scene shows him dancing with dudes. Shouting phrases in unison gets thrown in so that the guys feel as if they are part of something bigger than them. (Typical military brainwashing, also common in some business settings, and of course in cults, too.)

The next scene made me laugh hard: Vince Kelvin is simulating the old in and out with his fingers, and philosophizing that sex was the very first event in our lives.

Now it's time for some action. Witness some random fatties in LA:

But what's talking to women in the queue compared to creeping them out by shouting at them from the street?

Not even the proverbial fat friend had any interest in Vince. Just look at the size of that woman. She's literally two times as big as her friends put together. Wow!

Vince isn't deterred trifles such as weight and goes for her number. Judging from their evasive (body) language, it's fake anyway, but for chuckles, imagine that guy shagging the fattie. Should he get lucky, he may have the bad luck of getting smothered.

His students are actually watching in awe:

...and another girl quickly makes up to have a boyfriend. She is wearing flat shoes and his still taller than Vince. (Quick tip: go for girls that have the same skin color and are shorter than you. Easily quadruples your success rate.)

The next two girls were only shown from behind. I wonder why.

Am I dreaming or does this guy look like a cheap knock-off of Prince?

Check out the original:

Posing with another fattie. Well, given the fact that the guy running the Casanova Crew "lair" makes up some stuff about Vince fucking 14 women in as many days in his hotel, I wonder why this video is so devoid of interactions that go anywhere, and I'm not even talking about interactions with hot girls. Just sh*t like this:

Witness the only good looking girl in the video, but she ran away quickly:

This picture looks as if the guys are ganging up on Vince Kelvin to give him a beating. (Not only in this angle does he look very short, so you can't blame the camera for the impression.) But, instead they are listening with interest.

No, there is no need to comment on the physique of that woman:

Vince with his patented "I walk as if I have just shit my pants" walk. Ridiculous. Well, it turned out the girl had a boyfriend:

Another highlight of the video. In this scene he brags that despite having a boyfriend, the girl previously shown kissed him "on the corner of his lips". Next time he'll probably claim that a girl touching his shoulder means as much as her rubbing his crotch since it's totally almost the same part of the body.

Arithmetic exercises with Vince Kelvin. He claims to get "at least 50 to 70 phone numbers" a weekend. I'll let you figure out what's odd about harassing dozens of women a day, wasting a ton of time contacting them and, with a very big maybe, fucking just one of them.

So, what's the take home message?

I couldn't think of a witty one-liner, but here is some food for thought:

• Dress your age, because if you get old without maturing, you look like a fool
• If you are only seen asking fatties for phone numbers, you can still claim to get laid every single day and the typical Casanova Crew member will not call you out on your bullshit (Thus: California must be a gold mine for pick up companies)
• Ask yourself how much time you have left on this planet. If it's just two decades or so, then maybe you should strive for something more fulfilling than chasing after overweight immigrants on Sunset Blvd. Seriously.