Do nervous people make you nervous, too?

In New York City I grew fond of dropping by at any of the zillions of Starbucks to check my emails or do some work. One afternoon I found myself in their coffee shop at Union Square. It was a rather quiet afternoon, but it didn’t take long for things to change.

A dude sat down next to me. Apparently he wanted to call somebody. Or maybe he didn’t. He didn’t seem to be that sure himself either. Then he pulled out the newspaper from his bag, just to rattle with the pages a little. It didn’t take him long to talk to himself and debate wether to call or not. Eventually, he picked up the phone and had what sounded like some kind of follow-up to a job interview. His speech was rather uneven in both speed and volume. At first I was annoyed by him, but then I watched him with intrigue.

I realised that this guy gave a prime example of what is wrong with many guys trying to “learn game.” If you are a nervous wreck, then nothing you say or do will do any good. Restless people, even on a far lesser extent than that guy, tend to disturb other’s peace of mind. Also, if you are “too social” (a disease spread by Love Systems) and talk to everybody, you will end up shooting yourself in the foot. They are distracting, and you tend to stay away from them.

People that really get laid, on the other hand, exhibit entirely different traits. With a few notable exceptions, I have found that guys that are very successful with women are usually extremely calm people. Nothing seems to unfaze them, and women feel magnetically drawn to them.

This observations clashes with what is sometimes called “big mouth theory”, i.e. guys that talk the most get laid the most. Personally, I have never seen this, and I can’t really imagine that girls like being with a guy that never let’s them get a word in. Maybe they f*ck those guys to shut them up.

Pickup in New York City

Guys on mASF regularly said after reading "lay reports" by me or some of my friends that "game must be so much easier in Europe" or "I gotta come to Europe soon." Apparently, in their dreamland all you have to do in Europe is showing up to a club and the girls will drag you to the bathrooms or back home. It's not really like that. Further, some claim or assume that European girls are so much more open when it comes to sex, neglecting the fact that in some areas catholicism is still epidemic. However, from my observations of having spent four weeks in New York City, the issue is -- surprise, surprise -- all due to the behaviour of the guys. I have witnessed a level of passiveness in the States I have never seen anywhere else. I wondered why people in most European countries don't give a "flying f*ck" about pickup, whereas it's a multi-million industry in the US.

One night I showed up in a hipster bar in Williamsburg. All the girls were dancing, and the guys were standing at the bar, extremely close together. In fact, they were standing so close that I involuntarily perceived it as an expression of latent homosexuality. In other clubs I saw what one might want to call "music video behaviour". The most ridiculous performance was by a group of five guys who stood at the periphery, trying to act cool (and not moving at all). What is this nonsense?

On the other hand, in more upscale venues such as Marquee, you have an unhealthy combination of "attention whoring" and groping. Probably it is because you have to be over 21 to enter a night club that women act so incredibly juvenile. The guys were not much better and trying to indiscriminately grind up to literally anything that moved. It felt like high school all over again.

In all those cases, basic social skills would go a long way. It's certainly not that the girls don't want to talk to guys. It's quite the opposite. In fact, I have been approached by more girls in those four weeks than in the last year in Europe. This could well be a New York issue due to the surplus of women, though. Nonetheless, "game" is certainly not harder in the States.

The New Thing in the Seduction Community: Not Getting Laid and Being Proud of it!?

The user "Angel" on my forum recently made an interesting observation. Personally, I don't pay much attention to the mainstream seduction community, but he made me aware that there was a recent push of "enlightenment", telling people that they don't need to get laid:

Well, the last few months, in my opinion, I seem to notice a 'trend' that 'inner game and enlightenment' replaces the desire for sex. Its like the guru's out there realised that the guys arent getting laid with their programs, so now they are all coming out with programs to 'become a better man' (cleverly masking the fact that their programs dont work). Inner game and self development cannot become an excuse to not approach or sleep with women I feel. It is perfectly possible to evolve as a man AND sleep with women. In Belgium, the new trend towards 'evolving as a man and inner game' is now used as an excuse of not approaching: I know guys who used to approach and fail, but now stopped approaching all together as they read someone's programme of 'not pursuing', so there basically going out and standing there like they did before the comminuty, but now they actually think they are doing something good (I hope I explain this well).

Check my forum for the full thread. You have to register an account if you don't have one yet.

I'm pretty sure I have heard a similar spin from some Real Social Dynamics guys: "It's all inner game, and if your inner game is tight, the girls will just come." It surely helps protecting the ego.

Not approaching and claiming that this would allow you to become a "better" man is a ridiculous idea. It is less ridiculous than "peacocking" though, instead of dressing with style, which is harder than wearing bizarre necklaces.

The thought that you have to "approach" all the time and sleep with as many women as possible is juvenile to me. People join the pickup community for many reasons, and one is to get a stable sex life. However, what many discover is that once they got a couple of women, this desire usually dissipates. If sex is all you want, why not just stick with a girl you find attractive and like for her personality?

A guy that goes out and picks up girl after girl, even in the rare case that he is successful, reminds me of this Greek fellow. When I began to devote a lot of time to seduction, I realised that the usual "take a girl home" route was on some level boring and predictable. Thus, I experimented with introducing chaotic elements. If you do something that is completely out of the ordinary, you never know what kind of reaction you will yield. Ever tried to kiss a girl right off the bat?

As I ticked off goal after goal, I eventually saw myself getting bored with pickup again. At first I thought the pinnacle was bathroom sex. (See my book for highlights of my development as a seducer.)
Then I lost momentum for a few months. Looking for new goals, I came up with the idea of trying to figure out how to pull girls based merely on escalation. Some weeks later I managed to seduce girls completely non-verbally. The second time, the thrill is not as high. Another goal of mine was pulling a girl instantly. I ticked off that one shortly afterwards. Boredom set in again.

Since I was seeing some girls virtually all the time anyway, chasing sex from new women became less motivating. It all felt way too familiar and unexciting. Eventually, I ended up shrugging off nights as banal where I entered a club, made out with one girl instantly, got bored of her, made out with another one instantly as well, took her to the bathroom a bit later, and eventually back home --- and I didn't even bother writing it up because there was nothing new about it.

Some say the chase is more exciting than the consumption, but once the chase is boring, it's time to realign your life. You either set yourself new goals or look for something else. Once you have reached the sex life you wanted, you can lean back, but anybody who is unsuccessful and choses a path of "self-actualisation" as an excuse of honing his skills as a seducer got it backwards. Some time ago there was a huge push to become "social" instead of learning how to get laid. Now it is this nonsense. I wonder what will be the next big thing of the mainstream industry. Maybe teaching guys how to get laid for a change?

Mainstream Pickup and Seduction Forums

I owe a lot of my development to mASF, probably the oldest public seduction forum around. In 2008 I was lucky that one of the most experienced members on that forum, Nashvilleplayboy, became my mentor and extensively commented on my field reports. Without him, my development would have taken much longer. Only after months I began to read more extensively in other areas of that forum (outside of the field reports section), and was appalled at the state of affairs: it's not the one-eyed leading the blind but the blind trying to lead the blind. Some of the highlights were when complete "keyboard jockeys" clash. Hilarity usually ensues.

Indeed one of the main problems of public forums is quality control. Everybody can contribute and unfortunately even the most inexperienced people think they have something valuable to say. Sadly, this is not the case. A further problem is that many newbies confuse "post count" or seniority as expressed by an early join date with actual competence. In the case of mASF the consequence is that one of the biggest KJs with a total of ca. three lays under his belt -- in about ten years -- is one of the highest ranked members. Needless to say, this dude commands quite a bit of respect over there.

I am not saying that those problems are only rampant on mASF. If you have a look at other large public forums, like the "MPUA Forum" or the "Attraction Forum", the latter backed by LoveSystems, or, probably the worst of all, RSD Nation, you can only stare in disbelief at what's going on over there. Incompetence is paired with hero-worshipping, and in some instances incompetence extends to the alleged "gurus". (If you want to have a laugh at LoveSystems, check the Thread "Where can I watch Lovesystems" over at PUAHate.com)

People seem to not question anything the "big shots" say, not realising that many of those people are mediocre with women at best and full of insecurities. I can only laugh at how much "being social" is stressed by the biggest players in this industry. Another company is most concerned with "giving value". Well, as long as they bask in their "nimbus of glory", everything is great, I assume. Being delusional is certainly a great way of dealing with one's own insufficiencies.

In an attempt to rectify the sad situation of public forums, which for the most part will make you worse, not better, we at TheSeducers.com have started our own forum, which will keep users in a sandbox until they have convinced us with their abilities.

In order to buffer against the idiocy/keyboard jockeying/trolling of most forums, while still trying to be as public as possible, we're introducing a message board with a two-tier system. All new users have view and post access to the boards in the Sandbox. The Sandbox is meant for beginners and new users. When, through their posting history or through the recommendation of a trusted user, a new user demonstrates they are not an idiot/keyboard jockey/troll but actually a seducer (budding, competent, or expert) they gain access to The Seducer's boards. The Seducer's Boards are viewable to all, but can only be posted on by approved users. Approved users have the user title "Seducer". Demonstrations of actual practicing of seduction (like field reports and other posts that indicate time in field), as opposed to mere proclamations of expertise, are what will lead to promotion to the higher boards.

If you are serious about improving your game, join us over there!

The Main Problem with the Commercial Pickup Community

It is not news that I have an overly critical stance towards the commercial pickup/seduction community. Too many guys completely lack skills, and this includes some of the bigger names.

Some days ago I received an email newsletter from Perry Marshall, one of the internet marketing "gurus". He gives rather sensible advice, but his most recent email clearly indicated what is wrong with the whole "making money on the web" thing. His core message was, in a newsletter with the title "Wise Words for the Rank Beginner":

 Find a Land of the Blind where you can be King. 

I personally find this statement sickening. There are so many self-proclaimed experts out there that it is almost enough to not take anything at all seriously you find on the internet, no matter the field or niche. Similar advice was given in one of the chapters in Timothy Ferriss' "The Four Hour Work Week", which can be roughly paraphrased by "become an expert by proclaiming to be one. Read three books in your field, summarize them on your website, give a talk at a university, and use this to get media coverage."

In the seduction industry, there are way too many people that couldn't get laid with the literal "thousand bucks in a whore house", but never-mind that, as long as the sales copy is catchy. No matter if those people make money or not, the current situation is a lose-lose for all parties involved. Thankfully, in the seduction community more and more people seem to get fed up.

About a year and a half ago I made a post on mASF on this "sham industry", in a time when you barely found critical voices. These days, it's not just singular opinions. Recently, an "anti-community" has formed, which gathers on PUAHate.com. While I perceived it originally as a place of hatred, there are nowadays many critical articles. You might want to check it out, if you find yourself trapped in a state of guru-worshipping. My greater hope, though, is that this community as a whole will evolve.