After I my Q&A session at Reddit, I was contacted by a guy called Presence who excitedly told me about his “breakthrough.” Something clicked, and where he had hit a brick wall before, he now found success with women. The collection of his emails amounted to much more than 5,000 words, but I saw some great lessons hidden in it, which is why I was happy to work on it and present it to a wider audience.
Due to my rather busy schedule it took me a long time to go through the text, and edit it, but now it's finally done. What you can read in this blog post is not the story of a guy who found some “magic pill.” Instead, it's about a guy who managed to overcome some mental obstacles. If you can't yet genuinely talk to women and put a lot of pressure on you, then you'll surely get a lot out of this.
Today, I will let Presence speak for himself. But tomorrow, I will post a commentary on some important aspects.
Part of the reason that I wrote it all down was that it might help other guys. The breakthrough was really massive, and I think it will enhance the quality of my whole life. I'd love other peoples thoughts on how and why it happened. Another thing that I've noticed since it happened, about four weeks ago now, is that my internal voice has completely changed. Where my internal dialogue used to be quite negative, it is now quite positive.
The voice in my head still hassles the crap out of me, but not to put my down or pull me back. It pushes me forward now. Like, it used to say things like, “'You can never do that, you schmuck. Give it up! Go home!” It now says things like, “You schmuck, you deserve better! Go for it, or you will feel like crap.”
The Story of “Presence”
I've been in the game for about 6 or 7 years. But something happened a few weeks ago that changed everything. I want to share it, because I think it might be really valuable to some of you. In a nutshell, an abrupt shift happened in my head. My game changed overnight . It went from mediocre to explosive. I'm still trying to work out why it happened. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have some ideas. I will give my background, and then a description of my transformation.
I got into game because my love life was shit. I got pretty good, and within a few months I was seeing a bunch of very pretty and really awesome girls. I committed to one girl, broke up with her, and committed to another girl. We were together for about three years. The breakup was hard for me and it shattered my confidence. I never recovered my performance in field. Recently I had a complete change — overnight! Some of the following is pasted from posts on a private seduction forum.
I was completely burnt out. Pickup hadn't been fun for me for at least a year. It was just hard work with no reward. Being in the field wasn't fun. There was this massive split in my head. Part of me just really wanted to roll over and die. It was like I had two completely different sets of beliefs. One said that I was just done. The game was over for me, and I was always going to find it difficult, a hard chore and an emotional minefield of rejection after rejection. Heartbreaking days full of girls letting me know that my value was absolute zero.
Another part of me knew that if I stuck to it, I would win. If I could shift some things around, if I persevered, I could get to a better place. I had to do the incredibly hard work of seeing past my emotions. I knew that other people had had really hard times and still managed to get better. Why shouldn’t I be able to do it, too?
Two Interactions So, me and SP went out into the city. We played the "violent love taps" game, where if SP sees me going into my own head when I see a girl, or sees me checking out a girl, he starts counting down. If I haven’t approached her by zero, he whacks my arm. I was approaching a lot of girls, and mostly directly because I still can't think of much to say. (I still can't.) But this is simply not a problem for me anymore. I’m just direct.
Here’s one approach: Two gorgeous girls sitting down. I crouch down, eye contact with both, said something like "This is kinda random I know but... [turn to one of the girls]... you are really cute. I had to meet you." I got a very favorable reaction, but I ran out of things to say quickly. So, I turn to the other girl, and say, "You have to help me out here. Your friend is gorgeous, but I can't think of what to say. What should a guy say?" I was really just being myself. Not trying to be cool. And I was starting to have fun. They loved me. And I felt like a man. I was just doing what a man should be doing: being a charming motherfucker. Alas, both girls had boyfriends.
Some other day I followed a really hot girl into a department store. Again, I ended up being direct and honest: "Hey, this is kinda random, and I feel kinda dorky doing this, but you are gorgeous. I have to meet you" She swoons. She blushes. She thanks me. But, she has a boyfriend. I move on.
A Zen Moment
There was something else that happened when I went to visit SP's city. I hung out with SP and some players at some clubs. We went into one club, and I was just lame, leaning on the bar, just looking at girls. SP came over. I told him that I wasn't approaching because of how I felt about my performance. I obviously looked like some boring guy leaning on the bar, ogling all the hotties. If I went over and tried talking to them I would just look like a random loser hitting on girls.
SP probably won't even remember this, because it was such a tiny thing, but it had kind of an avalanche effect: He tapped me on the the forehead and said "Yeah. It's just [bold]in your head"[/bold], and turned around to go talk to some girls. It was a tiny gesture, but it had a big effect. I knew that he was right. But, if that idea of how other people saw me was just my own projection, then other things were probably just projections as well. I couldn't stop thinking about this. I started supposing alternative realities. Dominoes started to fall. This was actually a a big revelation that made me question a lot of my views, and a lot of things I thought were real. I guess I was ready for it by then, and it just took that simple gesture.
You know, there's one thing that I find funny about this: This part of my story reminds me of so many Zen stories where the apprentice reaches enlightenment after a long, arduous and boring journey, and the master hits him on the head.
A Conversation With Mambo Mike
This goes a bit deeper. It might seem like a meander but I think it sheds a little light on the difficulties I've had over the last year or so. OK, the following happened over the last few days. They are both the result of the change I've been going through, symptomatic of it, and seem to be moving me towards more change.
Mambo is the kind of PUA I like. He's about forty I think. He travels around the country because of his job. He’s also a really wise fellow. I needed someone to talk to about some things that had I'd been becoming aware of in my own mind. This had occurred to me in the last few days:
I'm deeply disappointed with women. I've had a series of relationships over the years. Every one has ended up with deep heartbreak. I've come away feeling horribly and deeply guilty. Like a failure - without really knowing why. Sometimes my failings were obvious. Sometimes I hadn't done anything wrong, but I still wasn't able to make relationships last.
After growing up being exposed to society’s idea of relationships and happiness over a lifetime, the end of long-term relationships seems like a failure on my part. I've always taken it to heart. In the end, all the guff that I've absorbed from TV and movies and whatever has given me unrealistic ideas on how to achieve happiness in life. And that's a big part of why I've always had such long recovery times from relationships ending.
I think that this is also related to why I've had a hard time trying to be a seducer. I wanted to find emotional fulfillment within seduction and relationships. I wanted the relationships to validate my and my view of the world. Of course, things don't work that way. The conscious awareness of my disappointment has been liberating: I don't have to project unrealistic ideas on women and relationships anymore.
I tend to brood on past "failures". I think of the women I've connected with in the past, and see the end of our relationships as a source of personal failure. I've felt that I've let these women down really badly. That I've failed them. I'm still working on how to deal with that. I've been trying, and succeeding, to being grateful instead of guilty. Grateful for being able to connect with such beautiful women, and grateful for receiving lessons that have helped me become who I am.
So, we go to this party. Natural Friend is there. My god, he is an operator. There's this hot european girl that he is playing with. He's physically brushing her off, and she can't get enough of him. I pull her over, away from matt. Wow. That was cool. But I get kinda bored with her, so I jump into a set with a couple of girls, one of them is the hottie that I've never really interacted with before. It's been a few years since she was last in the country, and she isn't so hot anymore, but I'd still go there.
We chat. Her friend leaves, giving my girl approval to hang with me. I pull hottie over to a seat. The whole time I'm looking for opportunities to put myself out there, make my intent clear. The opportunities come. I use them. I’m just really honest. Like, at one point where it looks like we are going separate ways, she asks "so what are you doing for the next few days?" "Oh, probably madly flirting with you via text. Trying to get you to come over and sleep with me. That's all I'm capable of thinking about right now."
It was awesome. But here's the really interesting thing: [bold]I wasn't joking. I wasn't kidding around. It was kinda funny, and she laughed every time. But I wasn't trying to make her laugh. There was no showmanship, no pick up kung fu. Actually, I was just being really matter-of-fact.[/bold] I just wasn't in the mood to fuck around and wanted to let her know where the cock was. I've got no idea what her emotional response was. I really couldn't tell. She left the party to come with me and Suzy to a club down the road for a while, so I guess that's an IOI.
At the end of the evening I asked her if she wanted to come home with me. She brought up logistical issues. I've got no idea what she really wanted to do. I didn't care. It was all the same to me - even though she was a lot of fun to hang out with.
On my way yesterday to meet another player... Jedi Mike. On the way, a tall, slim, pretty brunette walks past me. Oh god. I slow down. I turn around, think about going after her. But the lord has smiled at me... She has taken a seat on a low brick wall. This is just too perfect. I walk up slowly, smiling. She looks up and sees me. "Hi. I noticed you. You are gorgeous. I have to meet you. Who are you?" "Oh wow. Um... that's cool"... intro's herself.
I was kinda stuck for something to say, and there was this silence. She said something like "it was nice to meet you" or something. I just stay direct, pulling out an old routine, that isn't really a routine... "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Sure" "Are you single?" "Why, yes I am single..." "Can I take you out sometime?" She happily gives me her number. I got a fantastic response from her. She loved my directness. And I really didn't feel like a fake. I just felt like a guy doing what guys should be doing. I racked up dates with three girls in the last four days.
I've been carrying these really dark emotional states. I've been really really low... and I've been trying to figure out why. Working on seduction was distracting me from addressing this inner stuff. And it was hitting me hard in the field.
Over the years, I've developed a little skill in "following my emotions". Basically, sitting with my emotions and seeing where they lead. Seeing what images, thoughts and impressions they brought up. So, I spent time sitting in my dark states. First I discovered lack of acceptance. Resistance. Then deep wells of guilt and shame that I never knew I had.
A lot of it was guilt from my fucked-up childhood. I was let down by my family in a really big way. I didn't have a normal childhood. My passage into young adulthood was horribly marred, and I ended up spending some time in a youth prison. And some time in a real prison. This is something that most people who know me, don't know anything about at all. Nobody who knows me would even guess this. Partly because I had so much anger at my family, I didn't speak to them for about ten years.
But here's the thing I just found it... a lot of the dark emotions that I've been experiencing have been my guilt at letting my family down. Like, in some warped part of my brain, I let my family down by not being in contact with them for so long. And for not being an ideal son. In my mind, I was the bad son. In my mind, I betrayed my family. Of course that’s a completely twisted way of seeing it. But that weird, suppressed view of things had a powerful control over my emotions. Addressing this has helped me to regain control over my emotions. Also talking about it a little bit helped.
My hand was actually forced a little bit when it came to talking about it. A girl that I've been seeing for a couple of years became a public figure. I knew that my past could create a liability for her, so I came clean about it. She was cool with it. She accepted it. But we couldn't see each other anymore. In summary: Consciously addressing suppressed emotions and working on self-acceptance has helped create the shift that I've been experiencing.
I’m still nervous around girls. I still get approach anxiety. I still feel kinda dorky, and I hide behind the words that I'm saying. But at the same time, I'm completely aware that I'm at my most attractive when I'm actually, as you put it "sharing myself authentically". And I try to do it. I try and relax, breath and just "be myself".
All of these changes in my thinking happened literally overnight. I don't care about rapport anymore. I'm spending way less energy. I'm being more honest. Sometimes I even feel like I'm being rude. I'm not experiencing AA anymore: all of a sudden, the same feeling in my body is not anxiety. It's excitement.
I've become way less sensitive to IOI's. They just don't seem relevant anymore. And I no longer care about them. I don't care about the girls reaction anymore. She's either coming home with me to have beautiful sex, or she's not. The idea of "building attraction" is irrelevant. Routines just seem weird now. They are irrelevant.
The game is exciting again. It was hard. But now it's just fun. I'm loving connecting with girls, where it used to be a chore before. When I see a pretty girl, my mind doesn't run through the programs looking to answer the question "how do I make her like me." That just seems weird to me now. Now, my mind asks "Is she cool enough for me to go and talk to her?"
If a girl isn't into me, that's cool. If she doesn't text me back or call, that's cool. It has absolutely zero effect on my emotions.