Saturday, October 12, 2013

Friendships in the Real World

A lot of men who end up typing "how to get laid" into a search engine seem to have a pretty strange understanding of how social interactions work, which gets readily exploited by shady PUA marketers. In recent years PUAs have moved from claiming to teach you how to get laid to some kind of all-encompassing lifestyle advice. Now they tell you how to make friends and become popular. Sadly, their approach seems to be about as flawed as their pickup advice was. PUAs tell you to go out and hit on chicks indiscriminately, and unsurprisingly this is also how they tell you to build your social circle. However, you normally don't make friends just by talking to someone. So, let's step back and look at how "friendships" in the real world work.

I think there are just two main factors: Randomness and common interests. The latter is pretty much irrelevant for the majority of people who have no real interest in anything, so I won't focus on it. Instead, the "friends" your average Joe or Jane have come primarily from the first category. This means that they draw almost all their friends from those people they interact most with, be it high school, university, or the workplace. This is pretty much all there is to it. They don't necessarily have much in common with those guys, apart from an accident of fate that put them in the same building. The implications are obvious: If you're an average bore and you want to go out, then you probably pick some of the guys that just so happened to attend the same school, and go out with them.

Some of you may now think, "Wait a minute! There are so many morons in my school, and I was just a fortunate accident that I met Jim in my Calculus for Beginners and Artists class." Sure, but it just so happened that some admissions officer drew a few random numbers, or looked up your dad's net worth, if we're talking about the Ivy League, and sent you an offer to attend their esteemed seat of learning. You would have found a new best friend at any university you had chosen to attend, or any company you joined. Some places are toxic, so you will avoid spending time with your colleagues, but those are statistical outliers.

In fact, whenever you meet a big group at a bar or club, they're mostly from the same school or workplace. It could be that the entire office trotted down to the bar at the corner to start the weekend with a nice pint of beer. Or maybe the younger guys are all new in town and want to get laid, so they team up and go out as a group to ogle chicks so that they've got something to jerk off to before falling asleep. People in general are terribly afraid to be on their own because they have so little to occupy themselves with, and therefore the prospect of getting drunk with people they vaguely know is pretty appealing.

I'm making some huge generalizations here, but for "normal" people this is pretty much how it is. Only a small minority actively seeks out their peer group through common interests. Heck, plenty of people will be afraid to try this or that hobby because they're afraid it'll make them look weird. Allegedly, this is one of the reasons why there are so few women in computer science and engineering. If you're a guy studying such a field, you are quite likely to fall somewhere on the Asperger spectrum, and therefore you may not always take the feedback of your "well-adjusted" peers into account. Or maybe you just gave a fuck what they thought because you realized that there are more interesting things to spent your time with than gossiping about celebrities, some "slut" from 12th grade, or obsessing about what kind of sneakers one was supposed to wear this season.

So, if you are concerned about your number of friends, then just be visible to enough people, and make sure it's a setting that allows you to meet the same people over and over and over again. However, instead of taking a course in Modern Set Theory with five other nerds, pick an Intro to Communications course, and attend all their social get-togethers. In general, people need the feeling of belonging to some kind of group, no matter how artificial it is, so if you're feeling alone at university and value quantity of social contacts over quality, then just follow the herd and practice your beer pong skills. On the other hand, if college is behind you, and working 40 hour weeks still doesn't make you value the time you could spend all by yourself, then join your colleagues for a drink. Don't worry, they don't really want to be around you either, but after a few drinks this won't matter so much anymore. Alcohol is often described as a "social lubricant", but, really, any kind of excuse that allows you to get together will do. Alcohol is just cheap, and easy to get, so you getting a bunch of guys together to play FIFA Soccer on the PlayStation while getting wasted is much easier to do than, say, getting enough coke for 12 people.

People generally aren't that smart, and they aren't particularly selective with regards to anything. You're a "friend" once they've seen your face a couple of times and made a bit of smalltalk, and if you think you don't have any chance to get laid, then just being around enough single women --- as long as you're borderline attractive --- will lead to enough opportunities. Sure, it's tough if you have to "cold approach", but if she has seen your face before it's absurdly easy. It just depends on your standards. My "lay count" could be three or four times higher had I gone home with any chick that hit on me at work or university. However, don't discount just being around many people either, since it will put you in a better position to meet at least a few interesting people like, say, some guy you genuinely like because he's got a similar world view and interests, or the very rare girl that is smart and good-looking. So, there is some value in "knowing" a relatively large number of people. It's just a question of whether you want to pay the price.


  1. Once again explaining the random and far more meaningless than we think character of the world and human nature. I agree completely. Most of my friends are almost completely unlike me and are just random - I am an intensely social person and genuinely enjoy people, so the dissimilarity and randomness of my friendships never bothered me at all and I have decided that it's quite possible to connect with other people on just one or two levels even while they are completely unlike you in so many ways. I don't actually see that as a bad thing. I'm also not so infatuated with human intelligence - I regard it as so trivial an paltry a thing when viewed from a cosmic perspective, a perspective I cannot escape from - that I would choose my friends based on how trivial a quantity more of this quality someone posses. We are all pretty dumb, we humans. As long as someone is not crude, coarse, or completely retarded, he or she is fine, we an be friends.

    But it's good to hear once again emphasized the random and chaotic nature of the universe - it can be a very liberating and joy-bringing message for those who have the strength to hear it. Unfortunately many people prefer myths, and remain trapped in a cycle of anxiety and suffering. But even these people are simply doing the best they can - for them, this liberating message, although it would allow them to live better, like a painful medicine that will heal you but which you ultimately cannot face, is something they ultimately cannot face, and all they can do is the best they can with their myths and fantasies.

  2. Aaron is back to the good stuff after the antifeminist craze :)

  3. Reminds me of Sheldon Cooper's friendship algorithm from "The Big Bang Theory":

  4. good article.
    appreciate it.
    People are terribly afraid of being alone and will happily wear a mask and pretend ,only not to appear that they are OH GOD FORBID alone..
    btw , will you do some bashing of the manosphere. I recall you promised something on roissy.
    the last articles were thoughtful , we need some bashing once in a while to blow of steam :)

  5. This post started off interesting - however, started to get boring. In this man hating obessed pro woman culture we live in, friendships in the real world can be more problamatic. You meet the same mentality where ever you go. The same bs. I think now it is better to limit who you socialize with. Until one goes deep inside and resolves the mental confusions within to some extent -- and becomes more courageous to be independent - one will remain on the merry go round. Going solo can at times be more effective - though more difficult. Knowing what you really want - identifying it -- and then being courageous to request it -- there is no short cut to this process. Random friendships only help you pass the time -- and are often times waisted --including the money you spend. It is a very difficult time for men in our culture no doubt -- it used to be much more easier and normal.

    1. I don't think you understood what I meant by randomness. The people you go to school with, study together or share an office with were randomly put together, and most people never go beyond that pool of random contacts to make friends. This is just a fact of life.

  6. "just be visible to enough people, and make sure it's a setting that allows you to meet the same people over and over and over again"

    If you want to make enough social acquaintances, then this is literally it. After this, all that is required is that you be able to open your mouth and talk to people.

    "However, don't discount just being around many people either, since it will put you in a better position to meet at least a few interesting people like, say, some guy you genuinely like because he's got a similar world view and interests"

    This is one of the key reasons why I try to meet enough people.

  7. I really agree with your post. I am also a student and for me it is nice to know a lot of people. It's just fund when you are invited to a lot of parties and stuff. But when it comes to real friends I can count them on both or maybe even on one hand. Somebody with whom I party or have a drink in a bar (even if I don't drink alcohol) is not automatically a friend. I want to have quality friendships instead of a quantity of friends. Friendship involves trust and trust has to be earned.

  8. BoyToyStory GLL fanboy scammer showing his dick to everyone to get affliate income cannot handle normal questions when told cold approaching strangers at street isn't very high valued activity.

    "Have you kept statistics about your success %? If you have kept is it better than Paul Janka/GLL because of approaching mostly girls who give you some signs of interest? Or have you approached around 3000 girls to get laid by 150?"

    BTS "Over the last 4 years of my journey (1400 days), I have definitely TALKED to a LOT of girls. If on average just 2 a day, its already around 3000. (He claims around 150 lays from those approaches)."

    "Men who aren’t young and born with height+looks cannot get same success percentage that you+GLL+Paul Janka. All men cannot get to 5% success ratio from cold approaching no matter how much effort they but being above average. It is about genes that you are born with also and some are luckier than others."

    BTS: "Luckily, it is pretty easy to become ABOVE AVERAGE in this society full of weak pussy-dudes."

    "It is very easy to become above average, when average is semi-fat, boring and insecure as fuck.
    Discussion is over."

    "Best men have low success around 5 % and average men have even lower."

    "Still you are promoting to pick up strangers on streets and normally in not socially accepted locations while you claim to have more efficient ways. What has stopped you using those more effective ways and kept you having low success %?"

    Random cold approaching gets lousy results GLL approached +5000 girls while getting less than 200 girls.

    SquattingCasanova is tall+muscular and he approached 2000 girls while getting 12 probably quite lousy girls. He wasn’t semi-fat, boring or insecure. Being above average doesn’t help much neither in this style of street approaching.

    Amir ssk008 from GLL forum doesn’t get any results neither. Actually he is very very lousy. He said he approached 4000 girls to get laid by only 15 quite ugly girls.

    Paul Janka has approached around 10,000 girls for 150 girls. It’s lousy 1.5% success rate.

    GLL quotes in his forum approaching +5000 girls while having sex with less than 200 girls.

    When made clear that approaching random strangers at streets is waste of time

    GLL asslicking BoyToyStory promoting street game answered

    "I highly recommend you to go to a different place if you want to masturbate over numbers and ratios.
    This is a place for action takers.
    Oh and dont be surprised if I delete your comments soon."

    Why idiots who like to show their dick to get affliate income promote cold approaching random people at daytime when confident Harvard Graduated stylish men gets 1.5% lays from approaches and stereoid GLL gets around 3% while his fanboy Amir has to approach 4000 girls to get sex from around 15 ugly girls?

    1. Wtf is wrong with this anonymous dude above?

      He keeps whining about his nonsense statistics on my blog as well.
      I think he is trying to rationalize the fact that he does not have balls to improve his life.
      Instead, he tries to argue that life is unfair and everything is impossible anyways.

      And btw mr Anonymous, stop fucking talking about cold-approaching. Read my blog - I DONT recommend cold-approaching. I recommend approaching the girls that give you EYE CONTACT or a SMILE aka approching girls that have already shown some kind of interest.

      @Aaron: Nice post. I agree with you. I actually wrote an article very recently with some basic tips on how to make more friends and be social, and my point was pretty much like yours: Just fucking get out there and talk with some people, it is not rocket science.

    2. @BoyToy

      1) Stop the infantile shaming language directed at anonymous. You have no idea who he is, what his experience or "size of balls" is, that's just infantile, stop that.

      Discussion of return on investment is a valid subject, one of the community had allowed (instead of censoring through shaming like you're doing) - would have evolved much faster. People aren't allowed to measure results of methods or talk about ratios due to infantile shaming.

      2) How often do women give you eye-contact in a given hour on the street, and what do you count as eye-contact? Do you mean any eye-contact (even accidental 0.5 second eye contact) or it has to be super-clear its sexual (staring) or is it something in between.

      Please be specific, I'm curious - because in my experience not even the most handsome guys get eye-contact all that often on the street, at least not eye-contact in the way i define it (where its clear she's eyeing you up and down and inviting you).

    3. @BoyToy I researched your blog some, and it seems you are correct, you do promote what I would call warm-approaching for the most part (you preceed a lot of your writing with getting eye-contact before approach).

      So anonymous might not have gotten that part right (though I did minimal 4 minute search on your site). Still, there's no need for the shaming directed at anonymous.

      Questions on ratios and return on investment are very valid and I get suspicious whenever a "guru" or "teacher" or "writer" of any kind responds to such discussions with anger.

    4. 1) Yea I'm probably immature at times.

      2) In 60 minutes in the street I get somewhere between 3 and 10 "eye contacts" depending on how much I smile, how naked I am, etc etc.
      When I say eye contact I mean "some-kind-of-attraction" eye contact. I dont count accidental glimpses, I only count (and act on) them, when I sense that they are attracted to me. Its hard to seperate this into a certain time frame, sometimes the eye contact can be really quick - but where you can just immediately see that she likes you. Its hard to explain but I think you know what I mean.
      I'm pretty selective nowadays, so I only approach those kinds of "attraction" eye contacts.

      Ratios and ROI are a very important thing to discuss yes. But the problem with "anonymous" is that he wants to discuss my statistics and ROI from "cold approaching". I dont do cold approaching, and I agree that the ROI on cold approaching complete strangers is too low to waste time on.
      Living your life, doing your things, and hitting on the girls that give you eye contact on the other hand....... That is VERY effective.

    5. Unfortunately BTS cannot talk this subject maturely enough. Also from his response we can clearly see that there is no clue what is this "some-kind-of-attraction" from eye contact would be. He cannot state what he means and just say "I think you know what you mean" when Aaron Sleazy clearly was curious what clear eye contact sign from random stranger in public means to him. Dear BTS, If people would know what you mean then that question wouldn't be stated.

      If your GLL style "warm approach" method would be easier to spot Harvard Graduated Paul Janka and your friend Squatting Casanova wouldn't have to approach more than 4000 girls to get laid with less than 20 uglys. Why haven't your other dick showing affliate income making GLL hasn't picked up signs after 6000 approaches? How many approaches it takes to learn those signs? Or is it just some masochist pleasure from rejection? Squatting Casanova approaching four thousand girls while getting laid with couple uglys are considered some kind of hero in your funny circles.

      It is also funny when commenting about stupidity of this randomly approaching while showing examples of lousy results gets conclusion that person making that observation would get lousy results. Spotting stupidity and bad ROI of others seems to get observed in the way that someone spotting that stupidity must be idiot in your eyes.

      Why would anybody need advice that you should approach someone when they are showing eye-contact&smiling? Normally people never approach people who don't show any signs of interest. This should be obvious to everyone but you and your gurus still approach thousands of girls with very lousy ROI.

      BTS has never had girlfriend and got sex from those girls who he banged for few times only. That has been motivated by his lack of self esteem and motivation to brag and shame others like he states in his blog. Also many of the girls he has laid has been less than 18 years old and we have to remember he isn't much older than that neither.

      Normal average looking man can get pretty sexual girlfriend and match BTS lifetime orgasm with girl in more pleasurable setting without condoms in a year.

  9. @Anonymous

    GLL is one of the "cold approaching freaks" that I respect. Even though I don't respect cold-approaching in general. Why?

    Because he's the only cold-approaching-freak who:

    - Admits there's no such thing as game (at least as traditionally understood)
    - i.e. he admits its all looks, basic social skill of not being too weird and just escalating (a percent will accept escalation, a percent wont'

    ---> He's like a gateway out of the community. A transition point if you will. If cold-approach-freak PUAs FIRST adopt GLL's worldview that you can't "create" attraction and you just escalate - they'll have made the first and most important step in leaving the community cult.

    That said, getting laid from cold-approaching is the world's most insane and most inefficient method. Hour per hour and unit per unit of effort - it has the lowest return on investment in the long-run.

    Compare this
    Let's take the hours one invests at getting 200 lays from the street. All you get from it is 200 lays and the skill to approach women confidently (that's a skill you'll have topped out by lay 3 most likely).

    To this
    If you invest the same hours getting good at a hobby (let's say practicing guitar, becoming a great punk guitarist and escalating on every punk chick at a concert GLL style) ---> in the same amount of hours you'll have laid MORE chicks PLUS you'll have gained hundreds of CONTACTS (i.e. network connections that can enrich your life, finances, future career), you'll have gained thousands of acquintances and friends, plus you'll have developed an ACTUAL tangible skill (probably a top 1% guitar-playing ability which could eventually land you in a national-level band with tons of groupies)...

    Its cute GLL talks about "action takers vs ratio comparers" but the point here isn't just to take any action - but the most efficient action. Spending 10 years approaching women on the street for hours a day leaves no long-term benefits - just the lays themselves.

    Spending 10 years investing hours a day in a NICHE/hobby brings the same or more lays PLUS a ton of long-term benefits on top of the lays.

  10. This is a great post, it really made me reflect on who I'm friends with and what I do when I go out. I really do have the 'average guy' persona you described in your article. I wasn't always like that though - I was very interesting and had a group of very interesting friends when I was younger. Now that I'm growing older (approaching 21 now), I have been assimilated into the average society. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, but when you take a step back and think about it, it's really not that great.

    I am starting to change myself though; trying to improve my life and regain some of the traits I had when I was younger and more 'innocent'. Going out and not getting drunk is great, and doing things by myself is particularly rewarding.

  11. You're gonna love this comment Aaron, I found it it in the spam folder :D Its by that chitown guy :D

    "You are a disingenuous liar, Paul.

    Not only is there no such thing as “rank” on the PUA forum I use, but you also hired one of the most well-known “PUAs” in the world to write for AVFM. He disavows the label, then writes books about his conquests.

    How exactly is your newest writer any different from some “tail-sniffing PUA” when his book is called “Sleazy Stories: Tale Of A Modern Seducer Of Women?”

    So you talk down to “pussy beggars,” as you call them, asserting you won’t consider their opinions for some reason, then publish articles from a famous one."

  12. This article put into perspective why i tend to be a loner, i've always been too selective with who i decide to pursue a friendship with, far more than the majority of people even consciously consider.
    I never failed to forge a deep friendship with those who fit my criteria that at a younger age was soley based on an emotional response i became dependent upon as my cue.
    I've attended four different high schools, and when you've been to that many schools you realise how chaotic our social infrastructure really is. You were never "meant to meet" anyone or come across anyone. It just was and you've been blinded by your lack of emotional experience until similar experiences allow you the option of reflection.
    You then have the option of sinking into a pit of depression at having realised ideas like fate or destiny cant logically exist or you embrace the chaos for what it is, suspend your logic and merely respond to the world as it comes.

  13. "People generally aren't that smart, and they aren't particularly selective with regards to anything"

    That was an eye opener ;)


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